Mr. Offramp is a old-fashioned Mediterranean Man. As such, he cannot feed himself. For our purposes, "feeding oneself" includes slapping a piece of cheese between two pieces of bread, or heating an already-cooked meal in a microwave. Since I work a 9 hour day, and since not eating puts him at the risk of loss of sight or a leg, this can make my life difficult at times.
It doesn't matter how hungry he is, if there is a woman anywhere in the area or expected to show up within 6 hours, he will wait. If you cannot pee standing up and can spread homous on a piece of bread, you qualify as a woman. The offramps daughters have been feeding their daddy since they were in first grade, and Martha Stewart had nothing on them. They know the importance of presentation.
No peanut butter sandwich was ever served without pickle eyes and a ketchup smile. A humous sandwich often included "I love Daddy" written in craisins.
As they grew up, they began to ask difficult questions about their father's inability to perform these seemingly simple tasks. How come their daddy can change a flat tire but cannot press "Start" + "1 Min" on a microwave? How is it that the presence of a penis prohibits the operation of a can opener? The kind of question for which I don't have an answer.
I begin to question myself. Is it possible that the lack of a penis is not the reason behind my inability to kill my own cockroaches? No, Virginia, a cockroach is not an animal, and if it crosses the threshold of our abode, it's every man for himself. So why can't I take a shoe and show it who is the boss? Why am I outside on the porch for two hours until Mr. Offramp gets home and zaps it with the K300?
It doesn't matter how hungry he is, if there is a woman anywhere in the area or expected to show up within 6 hours, he will wait. If you cannot pee standing up and can spread homous on a piece of bread, you qualify as a woman. The offramps daughters have been feeding their daddy since they were in first grade, and Martha Stewart had nothing on them. They know the importance of presentation.
No peanut butter sandwich was ever served without pickle eyes and a ketchup smile. A humous sandwich often included "I love Daddy" written in craisins.
As they grew up, they began to ask difficult questions about their father's inability to perform these seemingly simple tasks. How come their daddy can change a flat tire but cannot press "Start" + "1 Min" on a microwave? How is it that the presence of a penis prohibits the operation of a can opener? The kind of question for which I don't have an answer.
I begin to question myself. Is it possible that the lack of a penis is not the reason behind my inability to kill my own cockroaches? No, Virginia, a cockroach is not an animal, and if it crosses the threshold of our abode, it's every man for himself. So why can't I take a shoe and show it who is the boss? Why am I outside on the porch for two hours until Mr. Offramp gets home and zaps it with the K300?
You are a mutant lower life form who should be eradicated from the blogosphere.
ReplyDeleteOkay, not really, but I just thought I'd show you that I read more than this post and actually did give you a smiley.
As for your post, as a man, I should be offended, but I'm not, because I am that man. My wife's away this weekend and I've got a whole bunch of Healthy Choices. But at least I know how to press "Start" + "1 Min".
oops, wrong, profile, my Humor-Blogs blog is here
ReplyDeleteUnfinished Rambler - Thanks for the smiley, I'll check out your blog.
ReplyDeleteThe male/female division of labor is odd. But men should be worried. No woman ever died of cockroach fright, but plenty of men have starved due to inability to make food. Even the advent of Domino's hasn't helped men reach the 50% threshold of the population. Congrats to your daughters on their insight and curiosity. Good luck answering them.
ReplyDeleteJust give Mr. Offramp a grill, some charcoal and lighter fluid. Something about guys and a grill. He'll be cooking every night!
ReplyDelete