Prospective Son-in-Law

If I had been born two days later, I would have had to wait another year to start school. That may have been a better scenario, as I was a bit socially immature. While I was trying to encircle the playground without letting my feet touch the ground by clinging to a wire fence, my classmate who was also my next door neighbor was working her way through the boys of the class. I don't know how much sugar they were getting, but it was enough for them to mow her parents' lawn regularly. My mom would make sarcastic comments about it, but somewhere deep down, I think she wanted me to bring home a lawn mower.

As the saying goes, the nut doesn't fall far from the tree. Since my oldest daughter was four, I've been checking out future sons-in-law. Hmm, that doesn't sound too good. What I mean is that I've given careful thought to the qualities I'd like to see in a son-in-law. Since I don't have much of a lawn anymore, a boy who can merely mow lawns is not such a great catch for this family, and a doctor does not get me excited as we have socialized medicine over here, and I can go see a doctor whenever I want, and have a variety of operations free of charge. The best possible son-in-law would have to be a mechanic or IT person - what more could one hope for? I could get my tires rotated and my DVD drive installed while I watch Big Love. I know what you're thinking. How to get the kiddies to comply?

Several years ago elder Offramp daughter brought home a nice boy. He seemed OK at first. He showed up with a bouquet of flowers for her and some pastries for us, the parents. Bribe the parents, and with pastry to boot, nice touch! But that was the first and last time we saw him up close. Mr. Offramp didn't know what he had done to scare the boy silly, and neither did I, but he was so scared of her daddy that he wouldn't come into the house.

In the meantime, I've found two future sons-in-law. They are so much fun when they are here. We have a great relationship, lots of laughs, everything is smooth and comfortable, neither is afraid of Mr. Offramp, and while neither is a mechanic or IT person, I know they'd be willing to clean up my code or look under the hood if they knew what those were, and it's the thought that counts. Strangely enough, they are both studying acting. The thing is that these boys are my daughters' friends, not boyfriends, and that they may not want to convert. The thing is that they are not straight.

Our ancestors wouldn't have had a problem with that. They found an acceptable future son-in-law, and they married the daughter off at 13, before she had a chance to drive them insane by staying out till all hours and coming home with piercing and smelling like a buickload of cigarettes. They didn't concern themselves with little details like the boy wanting to be the bride.

It's too soon, really. The girls have some time before I start dropping subtle hints.