Natural Cure for Hemorrhoids

For Father Muskrat, whose blog I tried yesterday and read about dinosaur hemorrhoids, I have a tried and tested cure.
One of my Male Relatives who prefers to remain anonymous (heretoforth MR) had suffered from hemorrhoids for years. It had been getting worse. Every time I called him he was angry at me for getting him off the toilet. He was cranky and preoccupied with the subject. He began to take an unnerving interest in other people's bathroom successes.

The creams and pills from the doctor were not helping, and MR was already taking a buickload of pills for another condition. We needed to find something natural, but he wouldn't eat broccoli, a sure-fire fix, as he considers it woman food, poisonous to men.

The following will sound like an obnoxious infomercial, but bear with me. Picture a woman in a magenta turtleneck sitting on a couch smiling like an over-caffeinated pumpkin, holding up a glass of something and talking animatedly about it.

I read that hemorrhoids may be caused by constipation, and remembered reading about a fruit fix in the Healthy for Life Diet (or something like that, I'm translating to English). Two mornings in a row I made MR a fruit shake - one cup of cut up fresh fruit and orange juice blended. The second day he had finally experienced his own bathroom success. I've been making him the fruit shake ever since, 5 years (!) and the hemorrhoids have not returned, happlily ever after.

Here are the important points:

• Drink the juice first thing in the morning, on an empty stomach. If you're used to coffee first thing in the morning, or beer if you're from Wisconsin, this takes some getting used to.
• Use fresh fruit whenever possible. If you can't get fresh oranges, use juice with pulp.
• If you don't have time to mess with the blender, just cut up 2-3 types of fruit.
• Don't add anything - no water, sugar, etc.
• Don't eat or drink anything for half an hour after.

Your bowels will thank you, and you can write and let me know how that's working out for you.